Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
