Don't make out with my wife yet
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
