Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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