I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
