my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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