I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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