Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
