My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
