On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
