Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
