I need to stop coming to work sober
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i've created a new STD.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
