i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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