Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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