We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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