I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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