one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
