Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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