i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
