I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
