im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
