Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
