you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize