Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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