My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
