ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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