First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
