Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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