You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
