I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
