i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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