your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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