you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
