So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
