Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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