i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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