the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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