All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
