college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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