sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
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Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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