tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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