my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later