New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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