i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
