I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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