nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
