and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
