I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Couch. On fire.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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