Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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