How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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