went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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