Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS