sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
