Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
