tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
