Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
